Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Journals: Friend or Foe?

 I found this journal online today and I just love it! I found it on katespaperie.com, and there are LOADS of awesome paper/craft related things on that site. I could spend all day looking on there. This particular gem is made of 100% recycled materials, which just adds to it's awesomeness. 
    I love, love, LOVE journals. Always have. When I was little I loved getting those little diaries that had the tiny lock and key. I poured my heart and soul into them, which at the time, meant that really I was just doodling or complaining about one of my brothers. But journaling has been one of the only things that I've consistently done my whole life.  I've never been very good about being open about my feelings, or really about anything, so I've always used journals as an outlet where I can get everything out, good or bad. In high school, I gave one of my boyfriends my journal because he was so frustrated that I could never open up to him. Hopefully I'm a little better with that now, but that's really a whole different topic all together. 
    I promise I have a point and will get to it eventually. 
    My question is, what do you do with old journals? I spent the night at my mom's house last week, and I could hardly get my nose out of my old journals. But the thing is, I didn't like reliving some of those times in my life. In fact, most of it left me distraught, disappointed, and a little depressed. I've had some less-than-wonderful moments in my life and reading all about how I felt during those times made me feel like I was back there, going through that break up again, or my parents divorce again, or through one awful moment after another. Apparently I failed to ever write about any of the wonderful moments I've had. Why didn't I take the time to recognize those moments? Did I make it a point to only have the bad ones to look back on? The more journals I found, the more I asked myself these questions. Then I came across a journal I kept in 2002. 
    In the summer of 2002, my friend Rory took his own life. He was a lifelong friend, and the only boy I'd ever called my best friend. We were 19. His death crushed me. It still does. It was by far, the most difficult thing I've ever gone through, and I hope to never experience that kind of pain again. Even though it was such a sad time, I somehow found so many happy things to write about in my journal, it's as if I knew I'd look back on it one day and want to remember how much I loved Rory for being my friend, instead of how much I hated him for leaving me. Reading through my journal reminded me of so many memories I had almost forgotten. I found two poems that Rory had written just months before his death. I found a letter he'd written me from college. So many memories came back to me while I was reading that I ended up not feeling sad about reliving that painful time, but happy because I was reliving the friendship I used to have. His was a lifelong friendship that I will forever cherish, and most certainly never forget, especially since I have the journal to look back on.  I even felt comfort and peace in remembering how in those weeks and months following his death, all of my other friendships were strengthened by the bond that we all now shared. And I felt comfort at finally finding myself at peace with Rory's death. 
   What I'm saying is, if you find yourself reading through old memories that you may not like, remember that what you went through then only contributed to who you are now. And that which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger. 

Points of Grace
1. Journals. And paper goods in general. 
2. My cousin's new baby, and my 5th second cousin, JMD, V!!
3. Super Bowl parties with good friends and goooooood food. 
4. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
5. The Pandora app for iphone, for getting me through all the running that I dislike so much. 

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. They are my absolute favorite, and there is a place at Lake Hiawassee (sp?) that makes the best ones. My parents got them as a gift when they bought their cars, and of course, I ate all of them! Are you running again? Good for you!